Our home is sacred. We strive to make sure that it is safe, secure, and comfortable at all times to those who live here and our invited guests. The following rules have been established to help ensure that this is a haven.

1. Sam and Cynthia are in charge of our home. This is not a democracy, and our decisions are not open to debate. We are usually benign dictators, but we are dictators.
   
   
2. Sam, Cynthia, and Katie live here. This home exists primarily for the three of us, and our wants and needs will take priority over anyone else's.
   
   
3. Our home is a no-assholes zone. Anyone of any age who is considered an asshole by Sam, Cynthia or Katie is not welcome here, regardless of blood, friendship or business ties with one or more residents. A person who is discovered to be an asshole after being permitted in the house may be asked to leave immediately. He or she will be removed forcibly if necessary. Being allowed in the house once should not be assumed to mean that you will be welcome in our home again. Persons who have been classified as assholes are not permitted to debate or appeal the issue, and may not even be informed of it unless circumstances require that we do so.
   
   
4. Every person in our home will be treated with respect at all times. Children are people. Anyone who does not treat other people respectfully is an asshole. See rule #3.
   
   
5. Our bedrooms are private spaces. Please do not enter the master bedroom or Katie's bedroom without an express invitation to do so.
   
   
6. Do not touch anyone, including a child, without that person's express consent. Hugs are great when wanted, and squicking when not. If your child is of an age to communicate verbally, we expect that you will explain this rule to them so that they may honor it.
   
   
7. Any behavior that causes anyone here to feel unsafe will be taken seriously, whether the person admits to intending that result or not. Anyone who shows a tendency toward or makes implicit or explicit threats of violence will be taken seriously and reacted to with force, legal action, and/or immediate reclassification of the violent person as an asshole. Verbal and emotional abuse are considered violence in our home.
   
   
8. Please do not presume that an invitation to our home includes anyone you wish to bring with you. If you wish to bring someone else with you, ask us beforehand. It will probably be okay, but please do ask. It does not matter how brief the planned visit is, we do not permit anyone into our home unless we have specifically invited that person in or that person is coming in with a duly-issued warrant.
   
   
9. Our phones and doorbell should not ring between the hours of 10pm and 7am for anything other than a legitimate emergency. People who experience frequent and avoidable emergencies are likely to be considered assholes.
   
   
10. Explicit sexual behavior or speech in front of children is asinine. See rule #4. Sexual behavior towards children is so far beyond asinine that it will be dealt with in an extremely violent manner.
    
    
11. Practical jokes are asinine.
    
    
12. There may be firearms on the premises. We will neither confirm nor deny the presence of such firearms if asked. If there are firearms on the premises, we will endeavor to store them safely. If you object to private ownership or use of firearms, you should probably avoid entering our home. The possible presence of firearms in our home should provide yet another reason to monitor your children while here.
    
    
13. While here, you will be in the presence of bisexual, polyamorous pagans. We will not change or hide our beliefs or preferences for your comfort. To be blunt, while here you are perfectly likely to see affection expressed between members of the same and opposite sex and to encounter our other significant others or other polyamorous people who are obviously involved with more than one person. If bisexuality, polyamory, or paganism are inherently offensive to you, we respectfully suggest that our home is unlikely to be a comfortable place for you. If you have any problems with your child encountering bisexuality or polyamorous behavior, please do not bring your child into our home.
    
    
14. If anyone causes you to feel unsafe or uncomfortable while you are in our home, please speak up immediately. If you do not feel as though you can safely address the issue with the other party or parties involved, Sam or Cynthia will be happy to speak with you privately. Your safety and comfort here are important to us.
    
    
15. Cynthia has written several articles about etiquette: Being a Pleasant Guest and Visiting With Your Children. They cover the basics of common courtesy, and were written due to vast, gaping holes in some visitors' educations. We consider people who cannot manage those basics to be (you guessed it) assholes.
    
    

Copyright © 1996-2005, Cynthia L. Armistead and Samuel H. Chupp, All Rights Reserved.

This file last modified 04/30/06